At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
