I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
