grandma shit on top of the toilet
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
