i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
