i think my tv is drunk
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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