I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
