why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
