So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
