Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
