i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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