Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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