last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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