How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
