Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize