you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
did you just send me my own nude
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
