fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
