Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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