when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
