My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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