my cup is half full, half full of rum.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
