And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
