I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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