Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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