it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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