Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
