my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
