It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
