Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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