Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
