I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
