omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
honey bunches of taint.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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