the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
