I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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