Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
