I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
