Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
