First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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