We're like a lot better than the average bears
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
