Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
