So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
