chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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