It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
