She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
