Porn is love you can see.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Pooping to opera.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize