A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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