I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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