i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
