is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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