some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize