I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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