guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
