I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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