I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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