Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
