If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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