a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
