Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
