I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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