apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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