dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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