my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize