I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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