Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
