Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Alive.
So much puke
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
