Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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