btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
